brokn_heartd

my dreams will never come true.

i dyed my hair. & i hate it.

it's not the color i wanted.
i'm getting rid of it.
bleugh..

here i am. perfects as i'm ever gonna be. you'll see. love me for me. stick around. i'm not the kinda girl you'll wanna leave. you'll see. love me for me.

another weird dream last night.
this time, i can't remember why it was so weird.
my dad's home.
i have no pants on. haha..

bbl.

it's vital.

too bad i don't trust him.

and he's gonna be my happy little helper.

people will now kno how sad i really am.
behind the make-up. behind the fake smile.
behind the cheerfulness vibe i give off, at times.
so this is what i am.
ashamed.
lonely.
depressed.
tortured.
embarassed.
mischevious.
scared.
what's a word for "i hate myself"?

i want nothing to do with guys.
i kno they don't want anything i have.
because i am filled with nothing.
i can never seem to have an on-going conversation with anyone.
i have a hard time trusting everyone.
no one is honest anymore.
i will never give anyone anything i couldn't have in return.
meaning, a piece of me.
i've learned that it's not worth it.
i can't even say i love you to anyone.
because i don't.
i question what that word really means.
it's so ambiguous.
so i've come to this conclusion. i will never find what i am looking for.
and i have no choice but to accept it.

i wish he would stop teasing me.
last night, i went to sleep around 7.
i had this overwhelming feeling of sadness.
not to mention, a bad dream.
and woke up somewhere around 1.
and cried til almost 4.
somehow, i fell back asleep.
i was last, holding my cat's paw. & crying.
and i wiped my eyes with my blanket.
it was smeared black mascara. still there.
i remember my cat sneaking up to me, rubbing her face on my cheek. and wiping away my tears.
it's the little things that make me feel better.
and she knew i was sad.
lately, i've been really sad.
and it's weird, so has my best friend.
i feel like everything is wrong and it's all my fault.
my parents. my family. my schooling. my friends.
oh my god, my friends hate me. and i can't fix it.
some of the best people i kno and they hate me for something i had no part in.
i hate that feeling. the feeling that i did something wrong.
i had a few dreams last night.
one of them i was in high school, and it was after gym and we were allowed to use the showers. this girl i knew was a lesbian and i felt uncomfortable [which is odd because i have no problem with lesbians] so i told her i would shower in the locker room. i guess i didn't shut the door or something and all these guys came in and that's when i was completely naked, showering infront of all these guys. (most of which were black) another weird thing was that it wasn't the locker room at all. it was in my uncle's old house that burned down about 4 years ago. anyways. there was this coach that was shutting the door, he was black too. and he kept staring at me. i felt so violated. maybe it's because of what my friend asked me a couple weeks ago. "are you ashamed of your body?" and i guess i am. if i can't shower infront of about 20 black guys. heh. it didn't get any better.
instead of finishing my shower, i went to some girl's dorm room (and they called it ucf) but brandon's exgf (laura) told me i could use her shower, that was strange. and she was laying on her bed with katie steelfox and tiffany miller. i think they're all friends. but they're people i'd probably never be friends with. because i don't/have never really fit in with the "preps" i guess you could say. i've never actually fit in with anyone.
and the story continues.. so, she let me use her shower, but it was behind 3 doors. and i first locked the first door. then realized "well, maybe somebody might need in here" (it led to the bathroom/mirror) and then the second door was a pocket door. it closed off the shower room. and i thought i might lock that one, then realized that "someone might need me for an emergency or something" so i unlocked it. then the third door led to the shower, itself. i locked that one. and as i was taking a shower, i wondered "if i locked the first door, they wouldn't be able to get to the second. and if i locked the second door, they wouldn't be able to get to the third"
i kno, it's so complicating.
so i took a shower and realized "i have no clothes" & no towel"
so i snuck in the closet and waited for someone to help me.
they laughed at me. (perhaps that's what made me sad)
and then my friend/cousin shani found me naked, in the closet and asked where my clothes were and then she handed me a small towel. it was in the shape of men's underwear. (so weird)
but i wrapped the towel around me and somewhere, i found jenni.
she said we were walking to the promenod(promanade)? and that she'd get me some clothes. and then she hugged me and i walked into this room. put on some clothes. and walked out. then i remember sitting on some bleachers. and then hearing "on the 9 o'clock news.." something about a naked girl on campus. [how embarrassing] and something about these scorpions that they found on campus that had been recently found poisonous.
oh great. after i heard that, i put my feet on the ground to get down (i must've been on the top row) because as soon as my feet hit the ground, i felt them get heavy, because there were hundreds of poisonous scorpions sticking to my legs and feet.
i jumped and stomped my feet as hard as i could. and then i woke up.

i hate dreams.
the other dream was about jeremy. on a floggin' beach.
i hate dreams.

i hope it lasts longer than the other two.

i could make it friends only, but i won't.